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My Unexplainable Aug. 17th, 2004 @ 03:22 am
You have become apart of me
You are my mistakes and my pain
It's been so long since the first kiss
You are no longer innocent
I've taken you in and degraded you
Such a pretty posession
Mine to control and manipulate
Why do I have you?
I didn't ask for the pain
I didn't ask for this
I'd do anything for you
Stuck in my head is...: "Lost" by The Cure

Aug. 16th, 2004 @ 04:30 pm
What kind of idiot teacher just totally disregards school policy to accomodate themselves? I happened to like 1st lunch, I was with all my friends. It's my senior year and you want me to hang out by myself? You're not too bright. And what happened to Section 4???

In time.. Aug. 15th, 2004 @ 11:46 am
Ryan- thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. You've helped me more than you can possibly comprehend right now. Without you, I'd probably... well.. I guess that one doesn't work ^^;; But man, I've been able to go to you and bitch until I was done and you helped the entire way through. I know you got frustrated, but thank you. Things with John seemed so unsteady to me- and without you I would probably be clueless and may even go far enough to have caused a breakup with him. Thank you. For just talking me through stuff and letting me know what I have to do.

I know that I have to let him go. Not break up, to let him drift away for a little while and let him come back to me in time. That he really is stressed and he just needs me to be there for him when he gets upset. That I need to put friends over him and that's the one that keeps getting me. The thought of caring about anyone more than John? Impossible. But I still have to keep him second place. For both of our sakes. I need to be happier when hanging out with my friends. I need to be happier around John. I AM going to see a pyschiatrist and get a private journal. I won't get upset at him anymore for doing things he didn't mean to do. I'll understand that no one can stay on 100 mph in a relationship forever. I won't be jealous anymore. I'll find new friends as well and love them to give him some time and space. I won't harass him all of the time. I'll try to make the little time we have together worthwhile. I'll understand that he loves me even if I don't believe it- because to save our relationship I have to let everything go and believe with my entire heart that he loves me and he just has other things he needs right now and that he'll come back if I give him some time. I don't yet, but I will. I know in time I will.
I'm just...: hopefulhopeful
Stuck in my head is...: Jimmy Neutron

Aug. 11th, 2004 @ 07:19 pm
Since the beginning of time, I've always had a boyfriend, right? Well, I'm giving up boys. I mean it, Senior year means no boys. And I know I won't be able to do it alone, so ya'll are going to have to help me out. Especially since it seems I'm having a class with Borris. My theory is, if I forsake boys this year, next year when I'm off at college *hopefully FGCU* I can enjoy all the male species I want. But your mission, as my friends, is to keep me from slipping. Think you can handle it?
I'm just...: determineddetermined

I'm sick and tired of *people*. Aug. 10th, 2004 @ 04:19 pm
If you don't want to talk to me, then tell me... Don't accuse me of avoiding you, when you are the one who is actually avoiding ME.

Piss off.

I need a cig.
I'm just...: aggravatedaggravated
Other entries
» (No Subject)
I'm going to miss my brother more than I let on when he leaves for college. I've been a shitty friend to Mary. She was right about how my depression's going to wear on him. I'm afraid as hell of losing John. I cut myself last night. I'm going to a pyschiatrist
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Oh gosh... James, I know you will think of me as the biggest evil wench ever, but I'm not in to you that way... I know I led you on... but I didn't mean to...
» Grow up
Oh, grow up.
He's MY friend, he's an amazing person. He's so much deeper than you are, I'm wasting my time with you. And who are you? You don't even compare. You're a phony, you're a liar, an arrogant asshole, who the hell are you to try and sound so important and tell me you don't want to hang out with him? Do you have any idea that EVERYONE you know hates you? I had to convince these people to be alright with you showing up, you're a joke, your BEST FRIENDS know you're a joke, you're pathetic, and you have the audocity to go "What the hell is he doing here?" with your fucking eyes. You have the nerve to hurt people's feelings at your convienence. You are LUCKY I waste my time on you.
You need to seriously grow up. You and your stupid weak girlfriend who you've learned how to control the way you control me, everyone else. I'm not that girl. I'm not weak. I don't know why I'm attracted to you, you need almost as much sense knocked into you as I do. I hate your insults, I hate your stories, I hate your looks, I hate your stupid muscle shirts, I hate your car, I hate that I know so much about you, I hate your laugh, I hate your rationalities, I hate your logic, I hate the way you talk about others, I hate the way you talk about me, I hate every bit of satisfaction you get from hurting others, I hate your self involvedness, I hate your lies. I hate that I like you.
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OK, OK... I ADMIT IT! I LIKE RYAN AGAIN!!! It's driving me crazy that of all the people in the world, I fall for the one who wants nothing more than a physical relationship. Not to mention I know how badly I hurt him, and he knows it as well. But he also knows ME. Like, if I'm having a problem, he can figure out how I'm thinking of handling it before I even realize I'm thinking of it. And he's so much fun to talk to. But I know that nothing will happen between us again. I screwed up BIG TIME. We're just friends... and right now, I wish I could go back in time and change things. I never would have hurt him.
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Ok, you know you've taken your "parental blocks" too far when I can't do research for something educational. I hate this crap. And I think I might move in with Daddy.
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